After a quiet time in the fall of 2010, I found these words flowing from my lips: “I don’t know what You have in mind, but that’s okay, that’s really fine. I don’t know what You have in store, but I’ll walk with You through any door….” The weight of my life without Scott was becoming more and more real, but there was also a “holy-holding” that continued, and it was lovely. The whirlwind of loss and life kept spinning around me, but I found myself safe and sound in that place of light and calm; in the very eye of the hurricane. Don’t get me wrong–life was (and still is) challenging, and there were many tears shed. But there was also a peace that somehow overshadowed the challenges—at least more often than not in that season of time. It was like the “veil” that separates earth and Heaven became so thin, I could see right into those glory places.
I know it sounds strange to say–but there were many places where “glory” filled the spaces of sorrow, not only when there was worship in that hospice room, or when I felt God-kisses upon me at the provisions and love and prayers of God’s people, but it was Him. It was Jesus and His sweet presence and comforting arms around me; walks through the woods where I breathed in glory, where my eyes were clearer, my heart wide open to, “Whatever Lord, it’s being with You that matters–really.” The “veil” was thinner, and I will be forever changed because of it.
Eventually, however, that “veil” goes back to “earthly normal.” Now, when it’s harder, when glory doesn’t make me dance as readily, when somehow there are clouds that obscure the light and peace I experienced in that season, it’s more an act of faith to hold on and believe. So my prayer now is, “Lord, help me to remember. Help me to see like I did then.” I guess He allows those “glory filled” times and it’s good. But then He leads us back into valleys where we must struggle and recall by faith, and look forward to the day when it will always be like that, the day when we reach our heavenly home. But until then we can trust, give thanks, and remember what “home feels like.”
Being with You
I don’t know what You have in mind,
But that’s okay, that’s really fine.
I don’t know what You have in store,
But I’ll walk with You through any door.
Cause it’s being with You that matters in my life.
It’s being held close, Lord, so keep holding me tight.
That’s where everything’s all right.
When I’m walking close by Your side,
I’m safe and warm and satisfied.
Oh so near the Lover of my soul,
I don’t care if we stay or go, cause…It’s being with You…
You’ve held me in the sunshine
And in the center of the storm.
You’ve held me in the eye of the hurricane.
But somehow strange yet wonderful
Though the whirlwind spins around,
I’m surrounded by a peace that leaves me changed.